On Tuesday of this week, I’m moving to Bali for two and a half months. I use “moving” loosely, it’s basically just a long trip, but Sophie Moshayedi said I could say this, and if Sophie says I can, that means I should and will.
This trip starts with my mom and me sweeping the island together for 10 days, deciding what places need more time, which I will circle back to on my own when SHE LEAVES ME THERE POSSIBLY FOR GOOD. Then, some time stag. Potentch special guest. Early March, Emma. Mid March, Char and Steve. Late March, rooting for Kendall and my Dad, which could possibly coerce Whitney and Caden (maybe J??) and PROBABLY JOSÉE AGAIN NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT. Well aware this is becoming a honeymoon for myself, with some of the favorites (still working on the aforementioned plus AVDB/ Broads/ Spooky Shanias etc.) - I am cognizant that as someone who chronically wants to “be alone,” this weaves quite the tale.
On the departure of this trip, I will be at my exact 2 month anniversary of not working. Enough time to get past the holidays, the birthdays, the anxiety the city somehow brings me now, and to get in the groove of the slowing down and the nothing. Enough time to realize that ups and downs of life are relentless, enough time to realize that I will always be busy with something, and enough time to realize that happiness is a combination of about 20 different things consistently. I have felt generosity and love from unexpected sources, and I have felt the opposite from others. Change and challenge is imminent.
As I head in, most of my nerves are based around preparation - the thought being, if I do well preparing, nothing will go wrong. Emma has regretfully informed me that this is very much not true, and that when things go sideways is usually where you get the best stories and you do the most "self" "growth".
I am also working through the idea of not being alone enough. To this, my take is: I'm still alone for over a month and as much as I love meeting new people, it has taken me 30 years to find the people who I love this much - and what better way AND PLACE to celebrate them. When I think of how far some of them are coming to see me it makes me feel a way I cannot even put into words.
My third concern remails with the shitty travel time, for which Harriet says "time is the strongest force we know" and that it will march forward regardless of how much discomfort I'm in until eventually I get to where I want to be. And lastly, the Coronavirus.
I am writing these things down so that when I look back, I can realize the time spent worrying was inconsequential and that feelings will change. And of course, that I was wrong all along.
With this - we are going in.